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Dear T

I have been going through the pages of the book we’ve made, scanning the chapters where I went wrong and those I thought where you went wrong. It’s difficult reading those pages, turning each leaf and asking if there was anything that could have been salvaged of what we’ve written. They have slowly gathered dust but the pain is fresh and numbing. The kind that makes you tear up while in a jeepney over some random memory of us. Usually it’s the simplest things we did. Who would think the happiest of times could bring painful tears? But they do.

The pain becomes real to me everyday and often I wonder why I am still hurt. I realized i was hurt that you came to the city after we broke up like it was a very easy decision to make when all i asked of you when we were still together was to come over and stay with me, but you couldn’t.Among other reasons, being too far away, not being with you everyday caused the end of ‘us’. I had fought that feeling of being away for half of our relationship until one day I had to ask if you could ever be with me in the big city. Today, i had to ask myself why i want so much that you be with me. Hopefully, itwill give me clarity of what i want and answer the question that cost us.

I want you here with me because i want us to be together. I want us doing things together. I want those sundays back when we drive into the country not minding if the road will ever run out. I want lazy sundays with you. I want to sleep early on a saturday and wake up early the next day so that we can be on our sunday’s best and sit beside each other on Sunday mass. I want to go to the movies together too and enjoy a bucket of pop corn over horrow films you love. I want to head to the department store and pick groceries from the list you made and argue which brand to pick. I want a merienda in between - a halo-halo or siopao perhaps - like we did when we were still young and not worried about getting fat. I want to ride you home on my bike and kiss you before you head to the door. I want to eat the breakfast you prepare and say thank you. I want to do our laundry together. If the soiled clothes become too much, i want us to share the weight of our clothes packed in a bag as we head to the laundry shop. I want to pick up the same clothes together, maybe after we eat out for lunch or dinner on a weekend. I want to go home to our hometown together - travel on a bus while you sleep on my shoulder. But I won’t mind if you keep me awake with your stories of politics back home, your mom, your sisters or your nieces, because I love you more for loving them that much. i want to sleep beside you on the boat that will take us to our hometowns, us on our sides facing each other, talking about our friends back home who are excited to see us and not minding the other passengers who could be talking about us. I want to plan those trips in advance so that we can take a leave together. Our birthdays would be best for homecoming. I’d also wanna spend Holy Week, Christmas and New Year back home with you. I wanna plan vacations and really go for it. I want a Boracay or Coron trip or any beautiful beach because you know how much I love summer. I wanna wake up at dawn so that we can go run together and keep ourselves fit. We could go hit the road or run at Abellana together. If you want, we could go to the gym together and watch each other’s progress - you, trying to gain weight while I try to shed fat.

There are so many things to write about but going over the list, i realize that most of them are all that we already had when we started. When i ask myself what i want in my life now, they have never really changed, it’s still those simple little things we did together when you were not far away yet. Well, maybe a little changes here and there but you get the point. I don’t wanna see you go out in parties all the time. For one, i don’t go out and drink. I could suffer a few bottles with you on a date with friends but more than anything, I want us to live a simple silent life together. I dont want you posting pictures of you half-naked on facebook because I am not comfortable with it, period. I want you to stop smoking because you don’t look good with a cigarette and maybe i could stop together with you too. I want you to chase your dream of becoming a lawyer again because i know you want it. Maybe if we live a little less complicated and plan together what we want to achieve, you can achieve that goal. I may not have told you this but you becoming a lawyer is my dream too, simply because you are a good person who has what it takes, and you are full of kindness and one who can do so much difference. That’s how much i know you too much. I do not like situations that I don’t know the people you’re with when you go out and then see them first on a post in facebook. I want that we keep our circle small with the people who matter to both of us. I want to know your new friends and want to be friends with them too like how my friends know you too well but it won’t hurt if we keep the ones who love us, who’s been with us through the years and who will always be there when we need them for an advice when we have petty disagreements. In return we will be there for them too like real friends do.

All these are all i ask. I guess i simply want a quiet life with you, living as couples do and facing challenges couple face together. I could marry you if we could ( but not gonna happen in this country ).I want a home with you. We could start saving up for it and work our ass off to build that beautiful home where we could welcome our friends and family for gatherings. I particularly would want to invite them on birthdays or Christmas. The days before that should have made us busy preparing. I do the errands, you do the cooking.

But these are all in my thoughts. I think I’ve become serious of the idea of relationships as i got older and maybe i couldn’t catch up anymore with what you wanted, the same way that you didnt get the idea of what I want because I havent really explained my thoughts well. We are not the 22-year olds anymore who can spend each Friday night partying at a bar.

So this. This is a proposition to be honest. Something I would commit to doing if you allow me. If you want to have a life with me after reading this, I’d be honored. In fact, I’d be the happiest man on earth. We can negotiate on some things and you could make a list of your own too and I’d go over them and see what we can negotiate on ( haha). In the end, i want to be with you and move forward together with a plan, with a common goal, with a commitment to stick together, like couples vow, through thick and thin.

But it’s a long shot. You will not read this letter. This will remain unsent. You are with someone else now. I can only hope he offers you the world.

I miss you.


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